Him: How do you feel about “sweetheart”?
Me: I prefer “sweetheart” to “sweetie,” but I prefer “baby” to “babe.” And I refuse to call you anything ending in “muffin” or “kins” – as in “studmuffin” or “cuddlekins.”
Him: Oh, thank God.
Him: Anything that happens on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays is yours.
Me: I just know you’re gonna hold out on me on those days, asshole.
Him: On any given day, I’m going to strive to be 1.3% funnier than you. Anything higher would endanger your self-image.
Me: What makes you think you can even be 1.3% funnier than me?
Him: Most days I can’t.
Me: And you’re worried about endangering my self-image?
Me: That was really sweet and tender. Did you mean it?
Him: Of course I did. (a beat) I wish I hadn’t said it with a mouthful of mac and cheese, but yeah.
Him: The only thing I’m more thankful for than my ripped body is my sense of humor.
Me: Me, too. (a beat) Wait. Define “ripped.”
Joint author appearances = mutual endorsements.
[At our recent talk in Sag Harbor]
Him: I love Elisa’s books.
Me: I love Craig’s books.
Attendee: Would you two like to be alone?
Me: I love you.
Him: I love us.
Me: Good pronoun change.
Him: Are you saying I’m pro-noun? Listen up. I’m pro-language. I love all parts of speech equally.
Me: Shut up.
(Sorry. No samples here. Some things you just gotta keep to yourself.)